when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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