He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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