Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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