dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
So much Jack, so little girl.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
