Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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