Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
