No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
