promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Those nachos came to me in a dream
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
