i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
