we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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