Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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