The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My ass is underappreciated
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
