I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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