it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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