our cab driver is having phone sex.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize