I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
