we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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