I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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