I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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