I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Randomize