the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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