I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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