Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
