remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Can vaginas get frostbite?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
