You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
