Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
