You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
