I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
