Swine flu. Run for my life!
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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