I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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