Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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