I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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