I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize