just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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