my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
