Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We left the knife in your bed.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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