the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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