I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
