Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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