I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
