Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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