Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
