worst night to have a conscience
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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