I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
