Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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