so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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