i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So much rum. So many feels.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
