Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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