Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
