meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
