my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
