I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
