Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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