Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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