do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
