i just sent this text using only my big toe
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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