I hate your face
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
