I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
