tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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