my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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