I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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