I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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