that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My life is pants optional.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
