Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
