May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
