My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
