the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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