I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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