i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
