i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
