I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
