I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
