eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
