Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
