I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
