Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
